the great awakening

it has been an intensely heartbreaking few weeks with all the violence against black lives. the grief that these mothers and families have to deal with now and the trauma being activated for all of those who have experienced racism is heavy. it’s beyond words. beyond protests. it's the kind of pain that has the power to awaken hidden layers. 

 after college, i had decided i would stay out of racially charged discussions. i found them exhausting, not to mention deeply disturbing. in recent weeks, i have come to remember why. it had always been that i was in a conversation about race with a white person trying to make myself visible. the racism i experienced when my family moved to maine and when i moved myself to boston is something i packed away under the guise of being from ethiopia and the black american problem not really being my problem, or at least that is what i told myself. i didn't realize how much i had denied my own blackness until i saw the violence over and over again and witnessed my visceral responses. the reason i stayed out of the discussions involving race was because of the fear of what it would activate in me. 

 all of these years i thought i could “pass” and so didn’t need to put a microscope on my blackness. somehow i thought maybe i could transcend race. i now realize that my denial was a shield protecting me from having to face the heavy weight of what the world feels i am worth, or at least those in america. i guess that is part of the oppression too, right, self-denial?

 all that has gone on has triggered the festering wound of inadequacy from within me. all of the times i was made to feel small, like i did not belong, like the issues i faced in my interracial relationships were not valid, like i had to prove my worth just because of the color of my skin have risen to the surface. the great awakening of it all makes me deeply sad not only for my heart but the many who are feeling this same way right now.

 my right to life should be respected just as everyone else. being black doesn’t mean i am bad or that i am worthless just as some white people believe and go to great lengths to make black people feel this about themselves. there even is a whole group of people who refer to themselves as “academic racists,” did you know that? sickening.

 anti-racism is a social responsibility not unlike emotional responsibility, fiscal responsibility, mental responsibility. we are supposed to, as human beings, collectively contribute to our healing and the healing of others not traumatize one another. when will we learn?

 i was not sure how to respond to racism as a seven-year-old, and now in my thirties, i am responding with mostly rage. i am in disbelief that “black lives matter” is even a conversation topic. is the value of my right to live really less than that of my white counterparts? it seems so ridiculous and yet so pervasive.

 in recent days, i have felt a refilling of hope as i drove by streets with many white people holding “no peace, no justice” signs. finally. racism is no longer the black person's dialogue, it is time white people started to have these conversations amongst themselves and a new level of accountability to be brought to the light. we’ve fought our fight, our systems need rest now. 

 my practice is to rise above my pain and the collective pain of those who belong to my race group. to remember that here on earth my skin color may matter and have a factor in how i am viewed,  but as a spiritual being, i am colorless. my hope is that this time continues to serve as a great awakening for us all.

 due to the pandemic on both a global and spiritual level, i am postponing the retreat to ethiopia for october 2021, perhaps then the skies will give us permission to be with them again. in the meantime, i am plotting a safe, local, retreat experience. i will keep you posted!

 as the days turn into weeks, and new normal sets in, i leave you with this: healing happens by feeling.

big love,

Max & Nya.