i have been going through pretty extensive psychotherapy for quite some time. for a long while, i was using my practice as therapy, meditation as therapy, running as therapy, until i realized i would benefit most from an actual person listening to me and working with me in understanding the alchemy of my trauma.
last November, i found a very special woman at the viva center and have been seeing her weekly. we have gotten to the part of my trauma that is painful to even look at, let alone talk about. the part of my narrative that i have been hiding and hiding from my whole life. as i untangle my "true self" from webs of guilt, shame, and other unpleasantries, i have surprisingly found space for acceptance. a lot of untangling trauma is remembering that where you are presently is safe, good, and whole.
on wednesday, after my visit that i could barely sit through, i left her office and walked outside to unlock my bicycle and get on home. right near my bike there were two stones engraved with a message. one read, "believe" in orange stone and the other read, "courage" in blue stone. funnily, i picked up both and tossed "courage" back on the earth. convincing myself that i didn't need it. i didn't need courage. and then i picked it back up with a sweet smile in my heart because i knew these were messages i needed today. and always.
self-study, also known as swadhyaya in sanskrit is the fourth limb of yoga. through the study of oneself, it is believed that we become nearer to not only God, but our divine nature. as i go into these darker parts, the universe, my guides and those who love me are reminding me to have faith and to not be afraid.
and have courage.